Vaginismus: My Messy Beautiful

There's something I've wanted to share for a while but wasn't sure I could. "Maybe when it's over," I told myself, but that didn't seem very fair. I'll be vulnerable when I'm not really vulnerable anymore. So I'm going to tell you now. I'll tell you about my problem while it's still a problem. 

It's called vaginismus. Since most of you won't know what that is, I'll explain. Yes, the root word is vagina. So what does it mean? Some people respond to trauma "down there" by having involuntary muscle spasms when something's inserted, from a tampon to a penis. It makes intercourse painful at best and for many women, impossible. It's basically your woo-hoo trying to protect itself by clamping shut. Her special way of saying, "Hell, no! I'm not going there again."

And rightly so, I guess, when things like childbirth and much worse have gone on. I lived oblivious to my condition until I got married and couldn't get past what I thought was virginal pain. After a frustrating nine months, we saw a doctor who explained this wasn't normal pain, assured me it was completely curable, and recommended a counselor and a gynecologist who had experience with vaginismus. He explained my recovery would require working through any sexual abuse in my childhood in addition to physically working toward intercourse.

Inside I was saying, "Dang it! It caught up with me!" 

Up to this point, I'd known about sexual abuse in my past, but since I couldn't remember it, I thought it didn't affect me. I didn't think I needed to be sad or angry or anything else about it! I thought I could just keep going, like it never happened. All that wishful thinking came to a standstill in the doctor's office and was meticulously thrown out over the next four years, with the help of my counselor. 

She was and is a gift. I'm not exaggerating. She helped me see the little girl me with loving eyes (instead of hating her for what she "let" happen) and helped me untangle the lifestyle that had grown out of blaming myself. Things like, being the all-time best predictor of bad things so I could prevent them with wise choices, being a perfectionist, being ruthless with my self and believing I wasn't who God really wanted.

But even when my emotional stuff was sorted, I struggled with the physical. The gynecologist was no help. I researched bio-feedback and saw a physical therapist for the first time. This was grueling but I was hopeful until the day I asked if she thought it was possible for me to have pain-free intercourse. She said there were no guarantees. I was so worn down by then, I quit. 

At this point, we'd been married five years and wanted to have kids. I realized it was too much pressure to push myself to "fix this" in order to have kids, so I went to a new gynecologist and discussed our options. A few months later, we got pregnant with an eyedropper. 

I remember my dreams for our sex life. I was going to be the best lover. I was going to make Brian so happy. In our version of reality, I've doubted all this. I've felt inadequate. I've pushed myself in physical therapy, feeling I had to do it because of what was done to me. I've felt isolated when girlfriends talk about sex. 

But here's the truth. Our sex life is amazing and I don't have to fix this. I know there are a million men who'd never be happy with this situation, but I have the one who is. I told him once, "I wish you could have known this when you picked me," and he just shook his head. Now I know, deeply know, that he's happy. So messy. So beautiful. Right now, for the first time, I'm doing physical therapy because I want to. I'm feeling confident and hopeful because I've learned that my body doesn't always let me down and cause me pain. It can do things it's never done before. And I'm feeling patient, because I know it's not do or die. It's about letting my beautiful shine brighter and letting life be as messy as it wants to be. 

This is part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project started by my favorite blogger - Glennon Melton! Click here to learn more and join us! Glennon also wrote Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, which was just released in paperback. Read it and loved it, as you can see here.